Emotional Intelligence (by Agbo Eje Ojobo)

I am a member of "The Let's Talk About Series" community. I'll be sharing notes from one of the sessions held earlier this year, on Emotional Intelligence (E.I) by Agbo Eje Ojobo.

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Agbo Eje Ojobo:

I help people overcome obstacles holding them, so they can take their lives, GOALS and RESULTS to the NEXT LEVEL. This is done by Private Coaching and Therapy, Corporate Training and Consulting.
I am honoured to be sharing with you today.
The session is practical, containing instructions and applicable steps. Pay attention and you will find how to apply these to your life, relationship, work, business and even behaviour.

Emotion is a person's internal state of being and involuntary physiological response to an object or a situation, based on or tied to physical state and sensory data.

Intelligence is the Capacity of mind, especially to understand principles, truths, facts or meanings, acquire knowledge, and apply it to practice; the ability to learn and comprehend.

So what is E.I (Emotional Intelligence)? It is the ability to understand and manage my emotions and how it affects my life; then understanding the emotions of others and how to leverage it for better relationship.

Emotional Intelligence boils down to:

1. Understanding my emotions, managing it;
2. Understanding your emotions and making better decisions based on the data available.

Emotional intelligence involves a combination of skills which allows a person to be aware of, understand and to be in control of your emotions, to recognize and understand the emotions of others, and to use this knowledge to foster your Success and that of others.

E.I is not follow come, it's a skill that is learnt; that's why we coach and even train organizations on it.
So you are not born with E.I, you learn it with exposure to knowledge and experience.

How does E.I apply to us?

People with highly developed E.I understand and use their emotions as clues to what their body and mind is telling them. They can resolve conflict quickly and recover from setbacks.
The truth is that our emotions point to us when our needs are not being met or when they have been met. You feel happy when a particular need is met, you feel angry when a particular need is not met.
It's all a feeling from within.

People with a higher E.I are known to be more Successful in career, more healthy in body and happier in their relationships. They feel emotions of Motivation, Friendship, Accomplishment, Peace of mind, Awareness, Commitment.

People with a lower E.I feel emotions of anger, pain, fear, instability, dependence, disappointment, lethargy.

So you should ask yourself, what is my level of E.I? (We will come to that).

Let me go a little psychological.

How it works with the brain is that; We know that we have a thinking brain and a feeling brain (amygdala): a strong enough stimulus is received through the senses, part of the signal is sent to the emotional center, the amygdala before the rational center of the brain receives the message and in the same way, the feeling brain sends the message back to our body faster than the thinking brain can deliver its message. That's why some people act based on how they feel, rather than how they think. And this can be detrimental to business, relationship, personal image... even your health.

So, we need to consciously own the emotional states that we get into, we can take time to allow our rational brain meet up.

Please note, E.I is not Emotions above thoughts, neither is it Thought over emotions. It is a balance between the two.

Picture how you apply intelligence to the emotions you feel at different times of your day... Emotions in Everyday life.

Remember that,
Emotions are simply internal communication media, giving you feedback about how you truly feel at the moment. It now depends on you, to act immediately you get the feedback, or wait and understand it. Your E.I affects the way you conduct yourself, the way you express yourself and the way you interact with others. Your Self Confidence, relationship management, productivity, physical strength, health is based on E.I... and the list continues.
The truth remains that most people act from an angle of feeling rather than E .I.
As humans, we always want to be in control of everything happening around us...etcetera. Some things may not go as planned, people may disappoint you, your friends, family members, colleagues, customers and even strangers may "piss you off" and you may have a fall out in your relationship. People with high E.I will not take it personally, but seek to find out how this makes him feel, how the emotions could affect his responses and how it could affect the other party.

In E.I, we have what we call 4 Models of E.I...containing different skills. As I go on, you will see where it applies to you, and how you can function with a higher E.I.

Here are the E.I MODELS:

• Self Awareness.
• Self Management.
• Social Awareness.
• Social skills.

SELF AWARENESS

It involves being aware of your emotional state, how to assess it and the understanding of how they manifest. Being aware of your states, helps you to understand that other people are different from you.
Self Awareness includes Emotional self awareness, self assessment and self confidence.

Emotional Self Awareness:

We cannot be truly happy and productive until we are aware of our feelings and what causes them. When you have emotional self awareness, you can identify how you are feeling at any given moment, where that feeling is coming from and how your body is expressing that feeling. When you experience a strong emotion, the best way to increase awareness is – This what to do – Check in with yourself: Sit quietly and ask yourself, How am I feeling? What am I feeling? How long have I been feeling this way? Where is it manifesting in my body (clenched fist, raised voice, feeling tensed)?

Label your emotions: Labels like anger, joy, peace, happiness and such should lead to questions like: When did the feeling first start? What happened when it started? Has it changed? How?

Be in the moment: Hear your emotion as it happens, it gives you more opportunities to learn about yourself. I am angry right now, I feel it in my stomach. What is the anger telling me?

Get to the root of the emotion: Why are you angry? Is it because you feel vulnerable or out of control? Or because somebody made you look bad?
Now that you are aware...

Emotional Self Assessment:

Honestly investigating and acknowledging your emotional strength and weakness. Knowledge of how the emotion affects our behaviour, performance and relationship. How our emotions affect those around us. If you are sincere about E.I, you may need to get feedback about your strengths, weaknesses and area of corrections from those closest to you; friends, co-workers, boss, parents, children. Then listen and don’t judge them.

Emotional Self Confidence:

This is also known as personal power. Such people understand that they have a great deal of control over what happens in their lives, are able to make quick decisions even in uncertain circumstances, are willing to stick their head for what is right.

Tools:

1. Make a strength list: Write your achievements and areas where you excel.

2. Make a weakness list: Write your previous short comings, but use it as a to-do list. Make adjustments and improvement.

3. See failures as learning experiences. When you see a setback or failures, learn from them and use it as knowledge for the next situation.

There is little or no use, in being self aware , when you don't intend to manage it.

SELF MANAGEMENT

It is the act of taking responsibility for our emotions and how they impact our decisions and behaviours.

Self-Control:

The ability to stop and think before acting, to pause and consider the best line of action. Considering what is important and how that will translate into your actions and behaviour.

Tools:

Reflection:

Reflect on why you feel that way. Is this situation really a threat? What actions would be best in this situation? What do you need in order to take action? (More time, information, the right mind set).

Reframing:

It helps you alter your reaction to your emotions by changing your self-talk, more like transformational vocabulary. For example, I made a honest mistake. That’s frustrating, but I can certainly fix it.

Rehearsal:

After reflecting and coming up with the best line of action, and you still feel some anxiety on how to carry it out. Rehearse your action and behaviour in your mind.

Please, as you intend to apply this to your life, know that E.I is a skill, it is developed intentionally overtime.

So you don't say, I tried this thing joor, it doesn't work.

Other skills under Self Management include;

Trustworthiness:

It means that you will do what you say and that you are honest about what you can and cannot do. It also means acting in a way that is aligned with your values. If you trust yourself, you can trust that you will respond to your emotions by doing what is best for you in a given situation.

Conscientiousness:

It means staying connected to the process of full responsibility for your emotions. For example, ‘I am angry’ instead of ‘they made me angry’.

Adaptability:

It means that you don’t let your feelings about change become the source of emotional and performance roadblocks.

Initiative:

It means looking for ways to continually develop yourself and recognizing that true happiness comes from taking full responsibility for your life.

This may involve making lifestyle changes, learning new skills, developing new habits. They look forward to taking the next step on their path of development. They also take initiative in problem solving and conflict resolution.

Do you see how E.I applies to our every day life in ways we may not know?

Now we know how E.I applies to us, but how does it apply to others?
The first is Social awareness.

SOCIAL AWARENESS

It is the ability to understand the relationship structure around you and being able to understand how others feel. If you have heard of Empathy...this is where it comes in.

Empathy means to see a situation and truly understand it from the position of the other person. To gain an understanding of why a person feels or behaves the way they do and what is motivating that feeling. This is a delicate part...because it has to do with others...it includes;

1. Awareness and Acknowledgement:

You need to become aware of other peoples emotion beyond their verbal expressions. Body languages, voice tone of others can lead you to ask questions like Can you tell me more about that…etcetera. If you can show empathy to others...You have won their trust.

In empathy, you try to take excuse for the shortcoming of others.
So when your employee comes a little late, you don't just go crazy.... you may ask, why are you late, is there anything we can do to avoid it repeating itself?

The boss that just goes crazy or the one who shows empathy... Which will you go an extra mile for?

Then why do we see the opposite from the "bosses"... because they haven't gained enough knowledge of E.I.

2. Sensitivity:

It means validating the persons feeling and not ignoring or belittling it as a means to help out. Don’t say things like:
“I understand how you are feeling, but I think you are wrong” rather “Why do you think you feel that way, and how can I help.”

Still under Social awareness.

Organizational Awareness:

Understanding the corporate structures in which you and others operate and how it influences yourself and others. Is it conservative and controlled or expressive? Then you function with that knowledge.

Service Orientation:

You now understand the person’s situation and the influences from the structure they participate in, you can now begin assisting by providing insight. You then use your questioning skills to determine the best solution possible.

We've gained knowledge on:

1. Being Aware of our emotions.
2. Managing our emotions.
3. Being aware of the emotions of others.

So how do you leverage on the emotions of others?

SOCIAL SKILLS

This involves interacting with others to help boost productivity, improve relationships, and increase your general quality of life.

Skills:

Influence:

The ability to have an impact on others and their decision making process. You should be in the know, have superior information, trustworthy, willing to share opportunities for development and credit.

Your ability to help others develop themselves, win people over, help others take productive goal-based action.

Leadership:

The ability to work with people, share credit, take initiative and develop the others.

Leaders help others become enthusiastic about the vision, take leadership positions when necessary, guide others performance and lead by example.

Developing Others:

You recognise that as you develop others, you are developing yourself. You are not threatened by other people’s Success, but seek to build a sense of belonging with those around you.

Communication:

It means an ability to tune in to the emotions of others, and then use that information to help influence the other person to take the best form of action.

That's what businesses do, communicate to the emotional needs of others.

Change Catalyst:

A person that is not satisfied with doing things the way they have always been done simply because that’s the way they’ve always been done. Such a person is able to understand how those who are resistant feel and work through those fears with them.

Conflict Management:

You will be required to go to the root of the conflict, allow people to share their feelings, use clarifying questions to ensure that each party is understood, brainstorm solution, and come to a conclusion.

Teamwork and Collaboration:

You need to understand that collaboration is a powerful tool for decision making, relationship building and creating a pleasant and productive work environment.

It involves; sharing information to foster collaboration, promoting a climate of friendship, building team pride, seeking opportunities to build the team’s abilities.

Thank You.

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The Let's Talk About Series is a personal and career development discussion platform that discuss diverse topics to help boost people's productivity and build personal confidence. They are passionate about self discovery, and believe the strife for personal development helps in adding value to one's life; creating opportunities and setting priorities for the areas that make them most effective.

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Agbo Eje Ojobo