Comportment and Etiquette

I am a member of "The Let's Talk About Series" community. I'll be sharing notes from Tobi Afolabi (TASpeaks) on Comportment and Etiquette, a lesson delivered this year, in the month of February.

Let's Talk About Series is a personal and career development discussion platform that discuss diverse topics to help boost people's productivity and build personal confidence. They are passionate about self discovery, and believe the strife for personal development helps in adding value to one's life; creating opportunities and setting priorities for the areas that make them most effective.

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Tobi Afolabi:

If I were to ask what we love most about Pastor E. A. Adeboye, I am likely to get comments such as he is humble, generous, polite, well dressed, cultured... If I ask same for Buhari, Dangote, Steve Harris, Jimi Tewe and many more, I am equally likely to get a similar feedback.

Doesn't it amaze you that we are so drawn to the mannerisms and looks of these outstanding individuals before we even begin to talk about their intellect and mastery of their subject matter?

Well, it doesn't come as a surprise to me because I have come to understand that before people ever get a chance to hear from you or see you work, they are first drawn to your personality from a distance, and to a large extent, many sum up their impressions of such person there and then.

Interestingly, how successful these individuals are in their fields obviously is, and cannot be limited to how much they know about their subject matter or topic of discourse.

This brings us all to the consciousness that despite having so much content alone cannot take you to your promised land. You need a number of interpersonal skills, behavioural traits, attitudes and many more to stand you out.

I remember a lecturer once said randomly in a class during my undergraduate days that our success is built on 20% of knowledge and 80% attitude... crazy right? I thought so too... I began to research and truly I figured how important attitude is. If you are not "patient", you can never be a successful salesman. If you are not charismatic and eloquent, you may most likely never rise to the ranks of top CEO. If you do not dress well, you will never be granted access to meet with your potential client. Attitude rules and defines our success in life.

You want to be an entrepreneur? You want to be an engineer? You want to be a CEO? You want to be a Governor or the President? You want to be an inspirational speaker?

Knowledge alone cannot take you there. You need comportment and etiquette (Together they form your attitude and define how far we go).

I'll be sharing with you vital tips to help you ensure your desired success... A few of us may be competent in some areas (good for you), look out for areas you need to improve upon. In fact, I keep working to ensure I keep improving myself.

Comportment refers to the way or manner we conduct ourselves, while Etiquette can be defined as the acceptable way of social behavior according to the norms within a society, social class or group.
They project a favourable or unfavourable perception of an individual.

When people come across us close by or from a distance, we need to be mindful that they are taking note of the following:

• Appearance:

It is often said that we have about seven seconds to make a first impression. You are judged based on your appearance and this is why comportment and etiquette is crucial to our success as individuals. We never get anything like second first impression.
People who know me well, know I am a "shirt and trouser person". I have been mocked for it, but I know the doors it has opened for me. I have this mentality that opportunities can meet me anywhere and I always have to be prepared for it. It starts with my first impression appearance. I can wear shirt and trouser to go buy a bag of pure water in two houses away from my house. This is because I don't know where my help cometh from and I don't want to ruin my chances. I have equally had days when I loose guard and dress "too casually" and trust I paid the price.

You may not have the money to buy the most expensive of outfits; manage the ones you have well. Keep them clean, ironed, and well stored.

What is the essence of wearing TM Lewin that is rough? Instead of Turanga that is neat and well ironed? In fact, you will have been given the contract before they realise you are wearing a 20 naira shirt (Get the point).
Of course, this is not limited to your outfit. Your hairdo, trimmed nails, clean shave (for the men), polished shoe, clean teeth are equally important.

Remember, you are a walking advertisement of yourself. Make a striking first and lasting first impression.

• Carriage:

One faithful day I walked into the class, and I caught a friend of mine gazing at me. I began to wonder, hope I haven't done anything wrong? Well, I went to my sit and carried on with my work. A few minutes later he walked up to me and said, "Tobi, do you know courage is contagious". I looked at him and of course, I laughed it off. But that statement remained in my subconscious. I began to brood over it for a long time. A day came, then I came to the realisation that we unconsciously communicate a lot about ourselves through our body language, the way we walk, our posture when sitting and standing. These all communicate a message to people that we are often either negative, positive, aggressive, calm, timid or even unapproachable. (You sure do not want to do business with someone walking like a WWE superstar, except you want to dash out your money)
I went back to that same friend who made that statement months back, and I reminded him of what he said. We laughed, but he made me realise I worked like I don't have problems, like I have everything figured out for myself, like I had no worries. I was shocked. Of course I had worries, problems, I'm still trying and will continue to figure life out. But that revelation made me understand the importance of carriage. It either attracts people to you or repels people from you.
If you want to succeed in your chosen field, watch your carriage.

• Demeanour:

When you have a compelling appearance backed by an attractive carriage, you will have a remarkable demeanour. This is the overall impression you make on others. It conveys your attitude, character, conduct to people. We meet people on a regular basis, therefore it is important we project a demeanour people will respond to positively. You will be held in high esteem.

• Style:

When we hear the word Style, what readily comes to mind is "fashion". The word "style" goes beyond your fashion sense. Style shows your taste, finesse, elegance and distinctive personality with your attire. In establishing a good dress sense note the following:

* Personality - Dress to suit your personality and lifestyle.

* Your job - Dress to suit your profession.

* The occasion - Have an outfit for every occasion (dinners, birthday, meeting, beach wears etcetera). I am a shirt and trouser kind of guy, does not mean I will wear it for an occasion at the beach. Dress to suite the occasion.

* Age - Know what is appropriate for your age.

* Shape - Wear outfits that suit your shape

* Skin tone - Wear colours that suit your skin tone.

• Behaviour:

How we behave in private and public space mostly determines whether people will do or have any form of business with us and how people will forge interpersonal relationships with you. The right behaviour can help us achieve remarkable success and a behavioural flaw can hinder us from achieving that success.
I remember in my younger days, I got an invitational from a man in my neighbourhood to come to his house. He wanted to sponsor my GCE at that time. I boarded a rickshaw (Maruwa) to his place. A woman equally wanted to board the same rickshaw (Maruwa) but couldn't sit in front (you know how it is). She pleaded that I sit in front but I bluntly and rudely refused. Of course she was pained, but could do anything to me, at least so I thought. Only for me to get to the man's house to realise a few minutes later that the woman I had denied a kind gesture on a #50 ride happened to be his wife. Of course, she denied me a support of twenty five thousand naira. I was bitter, but I learnt a priced lesson.
Many of us are like that or even worse. Well, may your bad behaviour not make you pay a dear price as I did.

These are a few tips on worthy behaviour to keep in mind. A lot of us are guilty of them. We have been unconsciously denied opportunities because of these behaviours. What could they be?

Control your emotional outburst - shouting, laughing loudly, public display of anger (many of us are guilty). You don't know who may be watching.
Courtesy at all times - One of my mentors once told me, "you can never be too courteous". Strange but true. It opens doors you never thought could be open. I have been guilty of it of recent. But I keep making conscious efforts to get better. Make it a habit to always say thank you, please, sorry, excuse me and pardon me. These magic words tell others you are polite, well brought up and have good manners. It helps you a great deal.
Be warm and receptive - learn to smile at all times. Don't be quick to judge people – In fact don't judge at all.

We have shared a few things to help you improve your comportment.
Now, quickly let's look at Etiquette.

Remember, I shared earlier that it is an acceptable way of social behaviour according to the norms within a society, social class or group. Etiquette is in diverse forms; however, I will be discussing four very key forms: communication, personal/interpersonal, Phone and Dress.

A lot of us are guilty of a number of things I will be sharing with us, but what is most important is our resolve to enact a change and be dedicated to it so we all can be very successful in life. You must equally note that I will be sharing majorly from an African context, specifically the Nigerian context.

When making introductions, a younger person is first introduced to an older person, a person of high rank is first introduced and men are to be introduced first to women (that's right!).
You do not talk when your superior or older people are talking to you.
Avoid any form of interruption when talking to someone. As much as possible, stay away from your phones or distractions. Some of us may consider it multitasking, but it not. It is rude. There is no other word for it. Ensure you give the person an undivided attention.
Avoid foul languages as much as possible when communicating with people, that is, curse words, slangs etcetera. We may feel it's okay to use among friends. It may be cool for your guys. But in turn it gradually becomes a part of your vocabulary and you can't help but use them. That is why it is advisable to stay clear of curse words... I have had my fair share of the experience and I must say it's not a wonderful one.
Always endeavour to be warm and receptive. Put on a smile when having a chat with people. It makes you approachable and opens doors for you where you least expect.

• Personal Etiquette:

This may seem a little hilarious, but honestly, a lot us have to be very conscious of this. It speaks volumes about our personality. Here are a few personal etiquettes we should imbibe:
Whether male or female, you should hold open the door you have just passed through for the person coming behind you.
Greeting with a firm handshake shows confidence and warmth. A limp handshake makes you appear lukewarm.
You sure also don't want be to aggressive with your handshake. Be moderate with it and maintain eye contact for at least about five seconds.
Do not poke your nose or clean your ears in public (Did I just hear, "well I do that"). Please stop it oh.
Combing your hair and applying makeup publicly is considered inappropriate. Let's try to keep all grooming private. You do not want to mess someone's items with makeup or have your hair flying around.

• Phone Etiquette:

When we take calls, don't say "who is this" rather say "may I know who I'm speaking with"? Saying "who is this" communicates you are disturbing me or what do you want. You certainly don't want to send such impression to your unknown callers or potential clients. It sets you off as being rude and unapproachable.
When in public, always keep conversation very brief and to the point. It is not a time to gist about how your neighbours fought or how your friend came to your house uninvited. Respect people's space in public.
Try as much as possible to keep long conversations private.
Never give out someone else's number without their consent. It matters a lot. People love their privacy. Please help them keep it that way.
If you call someone and he or she cuts your calls about two times, understand the person can't take your call at the moment. Drop a message or call later.
If you are in a position where you are unable to receive calls, reject the call with a message or call back as soon as you can.
There is a possibility you may forget due to being exhausted as it has happened to me a few times. Try to set a reminder while it's still fresh in memory.
Avoid talking loudly on your cell phone in public and keep your ringtone as low as possible.

• Dressing Etiquette:

It is often said that you are addressed the way you are dressed. Well, very true. Your dressing and composure commands a lot of respect for you and says a lot about your personality. Dressing neatly and dressing to suit occasions have been overemphasized.
It is important you inquire the dress code for an occasion that you get an invite. You don't want to wear jean, sneakers, and polo for a formal occasion. You can imagine how you'll feel.
Ladies should avoid placing their bags on the table. It should be placed on the floor next to you.
Body cons should be avoided as much as possible, particularly in official settings. You don't want to send wrong messages. Of course this is not an attack on the ladies, the men should also be mindful of dropping their pants or trousers below the waistline (sagging). It is not decent. Hence, communicates a wrong message.
Men should also bear in mind to always put on socks to match colour of pants or trousers so avoid looking awkward when legs are crossed. Always ensure you wear socks with shoes for men.

I encourage us all to research further on how best to dress and matching accessories and many more tips with on dressing etiquette.

By: Tobi Afolabi

(TASpeaks)