Public Display of Aggression
Which PDA?
I know your mind went straight to Public display of affection, but permit me to introduce you to another PDA today.
I was in a bus traveling to Benin, this was two months back. A little girl in the bus who had been dropped off at the park by her uncle started vomiting. Next thing, she says she wants to pee. The driver stops and basically all of us used the chance to evacuate our bladders. Next thing I saw, a man raised his hand and slapped his wife. Why? She didn't move in time while the vehicle was reversing, nothing else, just that.
If there is anything I hate, it is quarrelling, even in private, talk more of in public.
Welcome to PDAx – Public Display of Aggression.
This PDA involves using sarcastic comments, derogatory, condescending words, mannerisms, descriptions, cats that involve and include name calling, insults, mocking, making jest of his/her personality in public...
I usually wonder why couples do quarrel in public – same couple that never show love in public will not think twice to quarrel and disagree vehemently in public, throwing all caution to the wind, using condescending tones and mannerisms,..
Couples quarrel before their little children, before their children's friends who come visiting, before visitors.. Is there no shame anymore in Israel?
I have made up my mind to never quarrel with my wife in public when I get married. We can disagree all we want when we are alone, in za room.
How about this? You and your spouse make a promise to each other ahead of time, in advance, right from the days of courtship, that you will never quarrel with each other publicly.
Let me go ahead and enumerate some of the ills of this type of PDA, maybe that will help you make up your mind.
Ills of PDAx
• You divide the kids.
Let's say you have kids. You quarrel, everyone takes sides. One thing I can tell you is that kids never want to really take sides, we don't. We love our parents, both of them.
When you quarrel, you make them see the other person as a wicked inconsiderate person, maybe they already prefer you more. Some parents even go as far as soliciting and buying their kids over to their side, you hear things like "your dad is a wicked man", or kids saying "I hate my Mummy, she is always quarreling with my Daddy".
Why do you want to do that? Why do you want to put your children in a tight corner?
Let them grow up in love, not in hate and war.
• You cause everyone discomfort and embarrassment.
Believe you me, there is nothing as embarrassing as seeing your parents quarrel, especially when you have visitors. No kid should be made to experience this, even when it is not even your parents or relations. It is embarrassing. I mean, two adults married, exchanging words. Mennn, I wouldn't even be caught doing that. Control yourself. Two people can not be mad at the same time na, somebody should keep quiet already.
• Neighbors have a bad image of You.
Who cares right? Well, tomorrow you will carry Bible and be going to church, your Muslim neighbors are watching you. Your pagan neighbors, that young man you have even preaching to, to come to your church and stop womanizing – he is listening as you and your wife shout down the roof because she slept off and burnt the rice. The neighbors know how you and your spouse met, her family history, your family history, because you won't stop quarrelling. You should be ashamed of yourself. Even your neighbors who don't go to church, they don't quarrel as much. In the morning, you will do morning devotion, in the evening you will do spousal demolition, are you not ashamed? Even one bit? Even your neighbors are embarrassed on your behalf, but they won't tell you...
• You leave a bad example for your kids and singles around.
Quite self explanatory. Many kids grow up to detest marriage because they feel it's all about quarrels, bickering and fights – because that's all they ever saw from their parents while growing up.
• You pit people against your spouse.
When you quarrel with your spouse publicly, before your children, before church members, before visitors/guests (yours or theirs), in the compound, before church members – for whatever the reason, whether they said something stupid, or they did something you do not like, people/onlookers will naturally take sides. Your friends may most likely support you, and detest your spouse. You do not want this, do you? Your family members if present will support you, and when you have forgiven your spouse, they may not.. Can this affect your home? Did you just said No? It's alright..
• You belittle your spouse.
One of the things I detest is a person talking down on me, I mean an adult. And you start talking to them like babies before babies, before neighbors, before the public. You show people you do not respect your spouse, and tomorrow those people will not respect your spouse because they know you don't.
People will take a cue from you on how to treat your spouse....
My Suggestions
— When angry, cool down, calm down. You will react more positively when you are calm than when you are hurting. Marriage is for mature adults, not babies.
If you haven't reached a point that you can be angry and yet keep quiet, angry and walk away, if you cannot control your feelings, if you cannot be angry and yet smile and say "it is well", take it from me, you still have a long way to go, maybe not too long, but you still got work to do...
— Keep quiet. Ignore, till later. You can register your disagreement when everyone is gone. If you have a "as it is paining me now, I must say it now" mentality, I fear for the person that will marry you. Sorry if that sounded harsh, but I'm being honest.
Truth is, saying the first thing that comes to your mind is the shortest way to hurting people when you yourself are hurt...
– Call your spouse aside.. Have a sign, that you both understand, once one of you gives the other the sign, you know he needs your attention somewhere a little bit private. If the setting you are provides such, go aside, get together, talk, listen, argue, reduce your voices, reach a compromise, then come out smiling.. That's how you conquer the world...
— Respect your spouse, man or woman. They are grown adults. Because you are the Bread winner, or the Man, doesn't give you the right to talk down on your spouse like he or she is trash.
Enough said Already.. Marry Well.
#MarryWell
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